I Love Boobies

and im guessing you do to, so dont forget that today is the last day of breast cancer awareness month. In order to spread the awareness i will be on Main Steet of Manayunk from 10-2 tonight offering free breast exams to all those women who are at risk.

medical note: statistically, women with bigger breasts are more susceptible to breast cancer.

I Love Halloween Part 2

The best part of this picture is the date. This is nowhere near Halloween. . . 10 bucks says shes wearing this to a Nascar event of some sort. . .

How Gay Were The Hardy Boys

10 Zen Monkeys has an article on their site detailing the history of the novels and the possible reasons behind its extremely homoerotic innuendo. apparently the Hardy Boys were gayer than jean shorts, fanny packs and feathered hair all rolled into one. . .which coincidentally is what Midnight Madness wore through the 80s to try and pick up chicks . . .one of my favorite excerpts is below:

"Nobody knows. But there's been queer lights seen down around them caves.
And shootin'. Guns goin' off. Mighty queer doin's, they say..."

Chet whistled softly. "This sounds good! We may stay longer than we had intended..."

"The one thing we're afraid of is a quiet outing. Excitement," he added slangily, "is our meat."

"Ye'll get lots of it if ye go pokin' around them caves," the old gentleman predicted.

"What a queer duck he is!" exclaimed Biff.

"I'll say he is!" ejaculated Chet Morton.

check out the rest of the article here.

R.I.P. Robert Goulet

Well workday slackers can put down the Emerald nuts and rest easy again in the assurance that Robert Goulet will no longer be sneaking into their offices around 3pm to mess with their stuff:

The big-voiced baritone, whose Broadway debut in "Camelot" launched an award-winning stage and recording career, died Tuesday at a Los Angeles hospital, where he had been awaiting the transplant after being diagnosed last month with a rare form of pulmonary fibrosis. Goulet was 73.

His Moustache was 35. . .

I Love Halloween

Ahh , yes, halloween. the one day of the year when girls can dress as slutty as they like without fear of judgement or indecent exposure fines. . .At what point did this holiday devolve into an excuse to dress like hookers? im not complaining at all, lets get that straight. I'm just curious who the first girl who figured it out is. i want to find her slutty ass and give her a medal, because i think we can all agree, she is one of the greatest heroes of our generation.

Best College Football Play Ever?

Where was the crowd for this game? possibly the best ending in the history of D3 sports and there were less people at this game than the opening night of Gigli. . .

A-Rod is A Whore

...for two reasons really. First, he chose to declare that he will be opting out of his Yankee contract during a Game 4 clincher of the World Series. Less than one year removed from the disease, cancer survivor John Lester was pitching the Red Sox to their second World Championship in four years, and as much as i hate the Red Sox, this was their time, more importantly John Lester's time to bask in the glory of victory. A-Rod didn't let that happen. He had to crash the party....and why...because he's a narcissistic attention whore who demands the spotlight.

Secondly, he cares more about the money he makes playing baseball than he does winning a championship....hands down. When he signed his first lucrative deal with Texas i cut him some slack. He was arguably the best player in the game, he hadn't been to the World Series, and up until that point he had yet to cash in on his top-tier talent. Seven years later and he's still the best player in the bigs and he still hasn't been to a World Series, but he has taken his talent to the bank...to the tune of $252 Million. Now, instead of waiting to hear what kind of offer the Yankees make, and instead of respectfully waiting for the World Series to end, A-rod comes crashing into the spotlight like a bull in a china shop to announce he's out.

It's pretty clear to me that the most important thing to Alex Rodriguez regarding baseball is not the game itself, but the amount of money and attention he can get from playing it. He'll continue to line his trophy room with MVP and Silver Slugger Awards, all the while alienating the fans who so desperately sought him to be the final piece to the Championship puzzle. You know, Alex, there's a word for people like you......WHORE.

SWEEP!

blah blah blah Red Sox, blah blah blah World Series, blah blah blah Mike Lowell.

Saved By The Bell was a great show

I gotta be honest here, I only read the article because I thought Screech went off the deep end and killed Zack. "Preppy Killer"? Zack Morris was THE man and Kelly was a fine piece of tail, and he had that locked up from day one. Screech was a dork. Screech didn't have anybody...he had a robot...a fucking robot....Do you have any idea what it's like getting a handjob from a robot??? Sure, he loved Lisa, but she was way out of his league. He hid the pain for as long as he could, but after enduring years of ridicule he'd had enough. A lifetime of supressed jealousy and anger leads him to whack Zack...and porn kills his career...whatever career he had

Screech also stole Zack's phone and gave it to this old dude...

BAM!

Suddenly i have a serious craving for chocolate chip cookies. . .

Hanoi Hilton?

HANOI, Vietnam (AP) - Vietnam is having a Paris Hilton moment.
An online sex video featuring a popular celebrity has riveted the nation for more than a week now, much as Hilton's clip seized the attention of Americans when it hit the Internet several years ago. But unlike Hilton, the 19-year-old woman at the center of Vietnam's sex scandal won't be able to capitalize on her newfound notoriety. Hoang Thuy Linh's show has been canceled and the actress has made a tearful farewell on national television.

I can't say i blame this guy for leaking the tape. If i had sex with a celebrity i'd be sending the tape to every news outlet in the modern world. But own up to it like a man dude. The "my friends stole it and posted it" is the oldest excuse in the book. Next thing you know he's gonna claim he was just holding the video for a friend. . .

Too Easy

The Red Sox kept up their blistering offensive pace last night putting up a lucky 13 runs against the seriously rusty Rockies. The timing of this series couldnt have been any more perfect for the Sox. They came into the series after 3 huge wins in the ALCS while the Rockies had been forced to sit on their asses and watch, thus killing any momentum they had following the NLCS. But Beckett was a given, we all knew he would dominate. the next few games will be the true test. but if we can keep hitting like we have, we could start Gagne and still walk away with a victory. . .

Kids Today . . .

Apparently the new trend in school is to download ring tones so high pitched that the kids (whose ears are young and undamaged) can hear, but that their teachers, whose ears have been damaged by years of dealing with screaming kids, cannot. Theyre called Mosquito ringtones and they bring misbehaving to a whole new level. this is some spy-like shit. try seeing what frequencies you can hear. the volume shouldnt matter. if you can't hear any of them, stop blasting Mariah Carey in your car on the way to work, you mo, and try some Barry White instead. . .

hearing test here . . .

Series Bound Again

The Red Sox pulled off another improbable comeback in the ALCS, outscoring the Indians 30-5 in the last 3 games to secure their second trip to the Series in 4 years. Papelbon got the first 6 out save of his career and Dice K looked better than i have seen him in a long time. Now all we can hope is that the long lay-off and snow storms in Colorado are enough to throw the Rockies off their game.

Carrie Underwood?

Could this cute girl really be Carrie Underwood before her American Idol days? You make the call, but the resemblance is too close to ignore. . .

We Just Got Owned

Philadelphia is home to the least attractive people in the United States, a survey of visitors and residents showed on Friday. The city of more than 1.5 million people was also found to be among the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly, according to the "America's Favorite Cities" survey by Travel & Leisure magazine and CNN Headline News . . . Philadelphians' self-esteem has been undermined by national surveys showing they are among the fattest people in the United States. The American Obesity Association ranked the city in the top 10 for overweight people every year between 2000 and 2005.

Ouch. as if its not bad enough we have a city full of shitty sports teams, but now we're fat, ugly and unstylish too? Philadelphia is now officially the Michael Moore of American cities. The good news is, apparently our self-esteem is so undermined as a city, i should be able to crush it at the bar tonight . . . with these aqua velva-blue eyes and a body chiseled out of marble, those fat chicks won't know what hit 'em.

Ha Ha!

Is this model serious? her only job is to look hot and walk 50 feet. somehow she manages to do neither. I didn't even know ankles could do that. this girl needs to quit modeling and join cirque de soleil or something. i can't help but wonder if the rest of her joints are also that flexible. . .

Oh Baby

I'm just gonna go ahead and admit that even though this movie is a year away, I'm already excited. with Spike Jonze at the helm, i think they could do some really incredible things with the storyline and special effects. just the banner pic alone gives me a serious nerd-boner.

Manny Being Manny?

You don't hear Manny Ramirez give interviews often, and on Wednesday he helped us understand why. When asked about his team being down 3-1 going into game 5 against a good Cleveland team , Manny responded with, "Why should we panic? We've got a great team." Confident words coming from the perennial all-star. He then continued, "It doesn’t happen, so who cares? There’s always next year. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

Who cares??? There's always next year??? Talk about a defeatist attitude...those sound like the consoling words of a coach who just wrapped up a winless Little League season with his star player resembling the fat kid from Goonies. I'm willing to bet John Henry and the rest of the Red Sox brass care, not to mention the millions of Red Sox fans around the nation hoping for another dramatic comeback like they had in 2004 (i just threw up in my mouth re-living that painful loss). But hey, i guess that's just "Manny being Manny", right? Enough with that. From now on when Manny does or says something stupid we need to start saying Manny is an idiot or better yet, Manny is a retard.

Check out this link to one of my favorite Manny moments...

Pic of the Day

Sorry, i just really needed to get that gay Yankees picture off of the top of the page. anybody else think this woman reminds them of Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Is Torre Blackmailing Yankees?

As you all probably know, the Yankees organization has been meeting over the past few days to discuss the future (or lack there of) of Joe Torre. The meetings ended today with no resolution on what should have been an easy decision. why you ask? well thanks to his unbelievable snooping skills (technically breaking and entering), Ninja was able to obtain a copy of this photo from Joe Torre's vacation home. Apparently Joe Torre has been using this photo to blackmail the yankees organization into keeping his job. Brilliant? yes. Devious? yes. but would you expect anything less from the leader of the evil empire?

Whoa Whoa Whoa

Okay, hold up. i was just informed that October is national Breast Cancer Awareness month?usually im pretty on top of boob news, but somehow i seem to have dropped the ball on this one. I'm always willing to jump at any chance i can to make people more aware of boobs. so for the next few weeks we will be featuring a set of boobs a day in honor of this wonderful month, and to remind everybody out there just how important it is to cure breast cancer in our lifetime.

Sign Me Up

WASHINGTON — Security screeners at two of the nation's busiest airports failed to find fake bombs hidden on undercover agents posing as passengers in more than 60% of tests last year, according to a classified report obtained by USA TODAY.
Screeners at Los Angeles International Airport missed about 75% of simulated explosives and bomb parts that Transportation Security Administration testers hid under their clothes or in carry-on bags at checkpoints, the TSA report shows.

This is why they need to hire people like me for airport security. i can spot fake bombs from a mile away. Given, in LA the surgeons are a little more advanced, and the fake ones are harder to spot, but i could still do better than 1 out of every 4. . . i feel like you could assume everyone in LA had fake bombs, and you'd still only be wrong 25% of the time. . .

Shawne Merriman is a Baller

Man am i jealous of Shawne Merriman's moves. this guy is smoother than butter. everyone knows that pouring champagne on bitches is definitely the best way to pick up chicks. just look into this girl's eyes - dont they just scream "take me now!"?

3 out of 4 Dentists Recommend Groping After Every Meal

WOODLAND, Calif. — A dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is trying to keep his dental license by arguing that chest massages are an appropriate procedure in certain cases. Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem. Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew (the judge) three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years. She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, "and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra," according to a police report.

First off, i have to give this guy credit for sticking to his guns. he easily just could have just rolled over and plead guilty. but no, instead he's coming to trial with a significant scientific argument, and medical journals to back it up. well done. Also, whats the statute of limitations on groping? i mean it cant be more than, like, 3 gropes right? after that you get the feeling this woman just liked the attention. And what made her think wearing a tighter shirt would fix the problem? who is this woman kidding? in the immortal words of Dave Chappelle - she may not have been a whore, but she sure was wearing a whore's uniform. I checked to Book of Ass under the subject "Dental Groping" and this is what it said: "Grope me once, shame on you. Grope me twice shame on me. grope me three times and its time to start filling cavities . . . if you know what i mean"

Pic of the Day

Major props for bringing the Jack and Coke up there with them. Sex on a bridge is for pussies, but drunk sex on a bridge is a man's game.

Go White Boy

I don't know who else was in this dance off, but they just got served.

Happy Birthday Ninja

Since i made no effort to get him a present, or do anything cool for him on his birthday, i thought i would give Ninja the kind of gift that keeps on giving - a shout out on the most popular blog in Philadelphia (i mean this one, ass). So happy 25th, Ninja, may your night be filled with lots of sneaking up on stuff and disappearing in a cloud of smoke. . .

Posh Cementing Lead for President of Alien Welcoming Committee

Well thank God somebody finally decided to step up and take some initiative. I think we can all agree the Aliens are coming, and until now the only thing we had to welcome them with was Bud Light and Hot Pockets. Posh has clearly decided to take things into her own hands. Now when the Aliens arrive they will be met, not with beer and meat pastries, but bleached hair, giant fake tits and an overwhelming sense of self-importance. and lets be honest, isn't that what America is all about?

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

The Associated Press reports that Taco Bell wil be "reopening for the first time in 15 years in Mexico", and apparently the news is not sitting well with some our friends south of the border. Many people look at Taco Bell's presence in Mexico as an insult, and some of it's menu items even bigger insults as the taco in Mexico "holds a place of honor in the national cuisine."

Mexicans are passionate about their Tacos; that's really all there is to it. I once saw a guy get his ass whooped in cancun over some nachos so i can only imagine what would've happened had it been over the sacred taco. That being said, Taco Bell is coming to a pueblo near you and there's nothing you can do about it except brace yourself for the endless assault of rat-dog commercials. The real question being posed here is if they will continue to use the ad slogan "run for the border"? Let's be honest, enough of their would-be customers are already running for the border, and that border has nothing to do with getting 10 soft tacos for $3.99. A change would probably be in order....what about "Taco Bell...pick up some tacos on your run for the border"???

Global Warming a Good Thing?

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - The number of heat-related deaths in and around New York City will nearly double by 2050 - and could rise as high as 95 percent -- due to global warming if no efforts are made to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, a new study shows.

Finally some good press for Global Warming. I'm sick of hearing all this bullshit about ice caps melting, storms destroying America and the world coming to an end. Its about time we found the silver lining in this grey cloud. Now, if only there were a way to ensure that most of those deaths were Yankee fans. . .

Why I'm Rooting for the Yankees

And no, the answer is not the girl above, although she has two very compelling arguments. Before i go into my reasoning though, i need to start by pointing out that i am a die-hard red sox fan. There is not a single team, in any sport, anywhere in this universe that i hate more than the Yankees. That being said, i would like nothing more than to see them beat the Indians in this series. The reason for that is because, as a fan of the best team in the league, a world series win just wouldnt be as sweet without dismantling the evil empire in order to get there. before our first world series win i would have been rambling on about how we dont care who we play as long as we win. But over the past few years that sentiment has changed. in fact, im willing to bet that most Boston fans now care less about winning the world series than they do about beating the Yankees in the ALCS. So lets go Yanks- i hate everything your fans, your colors, your attitudes and your playing style represent, but that will just make it that much sweeter when we stick it to you in the ALCS.

Beckett is Lights Out

While the Yankees were busy giving each other lap dances. Beckett was dominating the California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim San Abismo with some of the nastiest stuff he's thrown all year. Late in the game he was still in the high 90s and still painting the corners better than those mexican dudes who hang around outside of home depot. Ironic, because i think those same mexican dudes were in charge of the TBS production van too. what the hell was that broadcast all about? Jose Mota looked like some random fan they just pulled out of the stands to do commentary, and the game breaks were more akward than a fart in church. Those three guys have less rapport than two pickles and a jar of mayonaise.

How I met your mother

Having trouble meeting rich single chicks who are vulnerable and slutty? Looking for that special someone to spend a night with, maybe two? Well, it's time I clue you in to hottest new place to meet the down and out girl of your dreams..... that's right it's Rehab. No I'm not talking about the pool scene at the Hard Rock in Vegas - this is the real thing baby. Britney's on her way to Crossroads in Antigua, Lindsay's already waiting for the man of her dreams (or the guy with access to really good coke) to come along, Tara Conner (aka I banged the Donald to keep my crown), Kate Moss, and Noelle Bush (ok so I don't find her hot but then again I don't find fat strippers hot either but they still make money so someone obviously does) have all joined in on the latest craze. Now that Joe Francis is in jail I'm thinking I should do a bunch of heroin, buy a video camera, check myself into rehab and make millions selling tapes of my new "Girls gone wild for drugs I can sneak into rehab" series. Of course, I can't probably sneak real coke into rehab but Lindsay's so hard up I could probably get her to snort baby powder and smoke cracked off pieces of soap while we re-enact scenes from her yet to be released sex tape. Which brings me to another point.....someone once told me that marijuana was a gateway drug....yeah a gateway into Lindsay's bed if you believe the latest rumors about her sleeping with some failed singer from some band I never heard of- which I do because someone put them in print making them true. But for now I think I'm going to hold out and stay clean until Jessica Alba falls off the deep end and needs someone to be her "sober buddy". I'm here for ya Jess! Call me...

Thai Food is Spicy

SkyNews -
A Thai restaurant has been cordoned off by police after its extra-hot homemade chilli sauce was mistaken for a chemical outbreak. Streets were closed outside the Thai Cottage in London's Soho theatre and nightlife district on Monday night. The precautions followed a chemical alert in the venue's kitchen. "Somebody smelled what they thought was chemicals. So we went there, cordoned it off and assisted the fire brigade," said a police spokesman. . . Firefighters dressed in special suits smashed down the doors to discover the source of the smell - chef Chalemchai Tangjariyapoon's fiery signature nam prik pao chilli sauce.

Well thank God the authorities got to Mr. Tiadhoiegpoon's prik sauce before the customers did. anybody who eats Thai food knows that the real smells don't occur until after the food is eaten. This could have been a worse disaster than 9/11 . . .talk about a dirty bomb (badum-ching).

Was OJ on Steroids too?

Apparently Barry Bonds' mistress Kimberly Bell did an interview with the New York Daily News to promote her recent appearance in Playboy in which she discusses Barry's ego and his . . .wait for it. . . steroid use!

"His body had grown thicker, his back was pocked with acne, his hair had fallen out and his testicles had shriveled when Bonds asked his former mistress if she thought anyone would suspect he was on the juice. "Do I look bloated?" Bonds wanted to know. "Does it look funny? Do you think this is obvious?" ...
Their sex life really slumped when Bonds started taking steroids... Bell told Playboy that Bonds suffered from sexual dysfunction, one side effect of steroid use. He tried Viagra several times but didn't like it because it affected his vision and stuffed up his nose...
He became a different person, controlling, threatening and finally violent. "It went from 'I want to know where you are at' to 'I'm gonna f------ kill you. I'm gonna cut your head off and leave you in a ditch.'"

So let me get this straight - He didn't like viagra because it stuffed up his nose, but he was okay with steroids, which shrunk his balls, made him impotent and gave him a head the size of Mr. Met? I haven't heard logic that bad since The Ninja tried to sneak into a McDonald's Playplace by claiming he was "young at heart".

Sexual Harassment Is Okay!

NYPOST October 3, 2007 - - Despite yesterday's staggering defeat in federal court, despite Isiah Thomas' image taking a massive beating, despite costing James Dolan another $11.6 million, the Knicks owner has no plans of dismissing the Knicks president/coach any time soon, according to team sources

We've known for a long time that celebrities get to bend the rules, but this latest news takes the cake. I mean really, here's a guy who was found GUILTY by a federal jury of sexual harassment and it doesn't cost him a dime, or his job, because "Madison Square Garden committed harassment against the woman". Give me a freakin' break! It was Isiah who was trying to get into her pants while on the clock, not James Dolan, so why doesn't he foot the bill? What kind of message does it send when someone is found guilty of harassment and suffers no financial loss? It's almost like this sort of behavior is condoned....Hey Isiah, being the head coach of the Knicks is no excuse for slackin' on your pimpn'. Just send us the bill and continue running this organization into the ground like you best know how.

Men Are Stupid

NYPOST September 30, 2007 -- A hard-partying Wall Street trader and his ex-girlfriend are in court over an allegedly broken $100,000 promise to keep on the straight and narrow. In recently filed court papers, Elisa Kwon accuses her former beau Greg Calvino, 45, of reneging on a pledge he had made to not "use drugs, stay out late, frequent strippers or prostitutes." The 30-something Kwon insists Calvino had vowed that if he ever did any of those things again, she could cash a $100,000 check he had made out to her. After Calvino's allegedly debauched boys' night out at a strip club in March 2005, that's just what Kwon did. But a fuming Calvino filed suit in Manhattan Supreme Court in late July to get his money back - plus interest, legal fees and damages - claiming the whole thing is an extortion attempt. Calvino claims Kwon had threatened to go to his bosses at RBC Capital Markets, where he was a stock trader at the time of the intemperate night out, and make up tales of drug use "with strippers and whores." He claims he wrote the $100,000 check to protect his career and reputation, and that she cashed it for no apparent reason.

Okay, what the hell was this guy thinking? 100k for something that he was probably going to do anyway? for that kind of money he could have had way more fun and way less guilt from his girlfriend. Not to mention, this guy is an investor. he should know better than that. . . I consulted The Book of Ass and it says that "under no circumstances is a man to promise his significant other money as compensation for philandering." instead, spend the 100k on 100, $1,000 hookers. or better yet, on 1,000, $100 dollar ones." if i were him i would just take the money and build one of those tents like Xerxes had in 300. Especially considering that with the fed cutting rates, leases on hunchbacks are cheaper than ever. . .

Pam Anderson Might Be Preggers

Constantly a year behind the trend, rumors are now circulating that Pam Anderson might be pregnant again. And whats better, is that it might be with Rick Solomon. if you know that name, youre busted, because he was the guy in the original Paris Hilton sex tape. Okay Magazine Reports:

“She definitely looks like she's got a bit of a bump,” one source tells OK!. “And this wouldn't be the first time Pam has rushed off to get married because there's a baby coming.” The source is, of course, referring to the rumors that the Baywatch babe's surprise 2006 marriage to Kid Rock happened after she'd been impregnated. While these claims have been denied by the actress, they were bolstered by the fact that she filed for divorce from Kid only 11 days after miscarrying their unborn child. "

My God. Sex with Pam at this point must be like fucking a purse. she's taken more cock than a tile floor on "This old House".

It Begins . . .

Welcome to Book of Ass, the blog where our opinions matter more than your facts ever could. Run and written by 3 philly transplants, we hope to bring you a daily dose of sports, humor and of course, sexy local women. check in daily for updates and pictures, and keep an eye out for our very first Filly of the week.