Abs of Ale

It's about time that we get some chick action up in here. Cause the other three guys sure as hell can't get it on their own. So hey, I'm Sass. I bite.

While browsing the net for some man-tastic gifts for the holidays, I came across this little gem. What could be better that your very own neoprene beer gut? Holds more than a 6 pack fellas. This isn't some pansy 40 oz you hide in a brown paper bag. This is the real deal, loud and proud. So strap one on men and strut your gut. Conveniently removable for post-game action with all the ladies who will be fawning all over you.

I'd get one for myself but I fear the repercussions of looking preggers whilst chugging copious amounts of beer. I suppose I could just turn in around and go the J-Lo big ass route...on that note, I'm placing my order right now. Get your own here:

http://www.after5catalog.com/product_info.php/cPath/17_19/products_id/812/type/product/ID/341-06601/OVRAW/GiftsDotCom/OVKEY/TheBeerBelly?osCsid=27fc3560be5cd984c27a1dfe72c0e26a

Hooker Sells Herself For Charity

SANTIAGO (Reuters) - A Chilean prostitute has auctioned 27 hours of sex to raise money for the country's largest charity during an annual fund-raising campaign. Maria Carolina became an overnight celebrity in the conservative Roman Catholic country, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to the televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening."I've already auctioned off the 27 hours of love," Maria Carolina told Reuters on Wednesday, saying she had raised about $4,000. "One of my clients already paid. It seemed like a good deed to him."

This is probably the best idea I've heard to increase donations to charity since Jerry Lewis started doing his telethon back in 1922. Can you imagine how much money we could raise if we started doing this in the US? especially if we got celebrities and pornstars involved? the possibilities are endless. . . donate blood, get a handjob. Donate a kidney, get a threesome. This is the kind of get-it-done attitude thats going to end world hunger.

read the full article here. . .

Daaamn

This photo provided by the Florida Highway Patrol shows a State Police cruiser covered with bags of marijuana Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2007. The Florida Highway Patrol says anyone missing two big bags of pot can call their Tampa area office. A crew picking up litter from along Interstate 4 near Tuesday morning made an unusual find: two big plastic garbage bags stuffed with freshly harvested marijuana. (AP Photo/Florida Highway Patrol)

What The Hell Happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Lets get one thing straight - i grew up in love with Jennifer Love Hewitt. i followed her as far back as "Kids Incorporated". I watched her struggle with her awkward stage in "Trojan War" and finally saw her reach her full potential in "Heartbreakers". But what the hell has happened to her lately? I blame the douche on her left. The second a girl gets comfortable with herself, this is the kind of thing that happens. if her ass gets any bigger its going to develop its own gravitational pull . . .

Carl Is Pissed

Overweight? Just Stand Up . . .

ABC News - Scientists have found intriguing evidence that one major reason so many people are overweight these days may be as close as the seat of their pants. Literally. According to the researchers, most of us sit too much. In most cases, exercise alone, according to a team of scientists at the University of Missouri, isn't enough to take off those added pounds. The problem, they say, is that all the stuff we've heard the last few years about weight control left one key factor out of the equation. When we sit, the researchers found, the enzymes that are responsible for burning fat just shut down.

Well that's a load off my mind. All this time i thought i was fat because i eat butter sandwiches for lunch and wash them down with a brownie milkshake. turns out I'm just not standing up enough. I guess this means i can finally afford to go for seconds of my patented mayonnaise soup. . .

Happy Thanksgiving

With the holidays approaching, the posts will be coming few and far between for a few days. check back with us on monday when we will be fully up and running again. In the meantime, enjoy the 4 day weekend.

Huckabee Into the Lead

Continuing my theme of voting for presidential candidates regardless of their politics, i waivered recently between Kucinich and his hot wife, and Fred Thompson and his hot wife. But today, Mike Huckabee has jumped into the lead for my vote with one of the most creative campaign ads ive seen to date. Its nice to see a candidate who's not afraid to show his sense of humor, but more importantly, someone who is clearly in touch with today's youth. Mike Huckabee is Chuck Norris Approved.

Ouch

Shawne Merriman Probably Did Steroids

I'm not saying he did, I'm not saying he didnt, but this before and after picture from Profootballtalk.com shows Merriman before his steroid suspension and then 2 years later. apparently being on steroids not only makes your shoulders 5 times bigger, but it also allows you to grow a much sweeter goatee. . .

I Finally Nailed It

Okay, so i've been trying for years to decipher the origins of Bill Belichick's unique sideline look, and i think i finally figured it out. . . .Mix one part Flashdance, 2 parts Jimmy Mac and one part defensive genious, and you get Bill. thank God i can finally stop google image searching cut off sweatshirt" now . . .

Woman "Too Fat" for New Zealand

A British man who moved to New Zealand has been told by officials that his wife is too fat to join him. Richie Trezise, 35, a rugby-playing Welshman, lost weight to gain entry to New Zealand after being rejected for being overweight and a potential burden on the health care system. Richie and Rowan Trezise have been battling to shed pounds. His wife, Rowan, is now on a strict diet. However, she has been battling for months to shed the pounds so they can be reunited and live Down Under. But his wife Rowan, who planned to emigrate with him, has failed to overcome the obesity test.

Man, thats harsh. i can understand being too fat for one seatbelt on an airplane. Or even being too fat to walk around a grocery store so you get to ride those cool rascals instead. but too fat for an entire country? thats a whole new level of fattitude. at a certain point its time to take the straw out of the gravy boat and put it into some crystal light.

Read the full article here

I'm Not Taking Sides

Growing up in Boston and going to school at Duke (don't hold it against me) I've had the privelege of growing up with some of the greatest rivalries in sports history: Celtics/Lakers, Sox/Yankees, Duke/UNC, Patriots/Everybody. So when another big rivalry like OSU/UM rolls around i just can't get motivated. I already have enough on my plate as it is. So for games like this i like to decide who to root for based solely on the attractiveness of the fans. Thanks to this banner picture, it looks like OSU is going to win in a landslide, but if there are any UM fans out there who can do better, send the pic our way.

Greatest Sport Ever? Yes, Greatest Sport Ever.

There are really no words for this video. just watch, and enjoy.

Album of the Month: Little Brother - Get Back!

If you haven't heard of Little Brother yet, i don't blame you. The Duo of Rapper Big Poo and Phonte like to stay under the radar for the most part. In fact, on songs like "Life of the Party" they even seem to enjoy their life in obscurity. Expect much of that to change though, with the release of their most recent album "Get Back!" At only 11 songs long, it is by far the most concise LB album to date. After parting ways with their producer 9th wonder, LB has also managed to make this new album tighter production-wise, and catchier hook-wise. The album is much more up tempo than previous offerings, and doesn't drag nearly as much other releases. They also manage to keep their humor and personality in there, despite opting away from the numerous skits they are known for. There may not be a top 40 hit on here, but in the words of one of my hip hop head friends: "they just don't make rap music like this anymore". I Couldn't have said it better myself.

Stream the whole album for free here

Today is Slow

Its a pretty slow news day, so instead, enjoy this montage of boating idiots.

Man Caught Sexing up a Bicycle

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland. On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers. She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. "They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. "The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

In the man's defense the bike was a Schwinn and anybody who rides bikes knows that Schwinns are total sluts. there is no doubt in my mind this bike was asking for it. . . those big 20 inch tires, the naughty streamers on the handle bars, that seat that just begs "ride me" . . . show me a man who could turn that down, and ill show you a greater man than I.

P.S. does this make this guy a bikesexual?

Read the full article here

Drano

Yes, this video is real, and yes, thats an L.A. Clippers dancer that hits the shot.

The Chinese are Weird, Possibly Infected

BEIJING (AFP) - Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China, threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday. "These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well ... threatening the health of local people," it said. Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said."People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their hair into plaits or buns," the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave only his surname, Dong, as saying.

Generally i don't believe any information given by a guy named only "Dong". who is this guy? the Cher of Chinese dermatologists? was he playing a joke on the reporter or something? That being said, this story is just crazy enough to be true. And i think we can all agree that China has been putting out some pretty brilliant concepts lately . . . lead toothpaste? sure. . . Aids infected condom hats? absolutely . . . capitalism? whoa whoa whoa, lets not go overboard. . .

read the full article here

Thanks to animal-lover Therese for the tip

Kimbowned

http://view.break.com/398527 - Watch more free videos


Hope you didnt blink during the Kimbo fight on saturday night. if you did, you probably missed it. here is the entire fight, from start to finish. Its only a matter of time before Bo Cantrell starts pretending to get knocked out by cheese-filled pizza crusts. . .

Update: Paris To Help Drunken Elephants

GAUHATI, India (AP) - With Rwanda off her charity calendar, Paris Hilton has turned her attention to the plight of ... drunken elephants in India. "The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," the 26-year-old socialite was quoted as saying by the World Entertainment News Network's Web site. In the wake of her jail term for an alcohol-related reckless driving case, Hilton is seeking to remake her image from club-hopping party girl to world-traveling do-gooder. She announced plans to do charity work in Rwanda, but the trip was postponed until next year.

Well, if theres a party, Paris will get there. I can't believe i expected any less from her. . . 40 drunken Elephants? sounds like a rager. What do you think her plan to get them off beer is, try to convince them to drink wine in a can instead?

Update 2: GAUHATI, India (AP) - In a Nov. 13 story, The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India.

Elephants Get Drunk, Electrocuted

GAUHATI, India - Six Asiatic wild elephants were electrocuted as they went berserk after drinking rice beer in India's remote northeast, a wildlife official said Tuesday. Nearly 40 elephants came to a village on Friday looking for food. Some found beer, which farmers ferment and keep in plastic and tin drums in their huts, said Sunil Kumar, a state wildlife official. They got drunk, uprooted a utility pole carrying power lines and were electrocuted in Chandan Nukat, a village nearly 150 miles west of Shillong, the capital of Meghalaya state, Kumar said.

Reports indicate the surviving Elephants then quickly moved on to the local IHOP for some stuffed french toast and could be heard drunk dialing other, less cool elephants throughout the night . . .

Read Full Article Here

Check It At The Door, Ma'am

REUTERS - An Oregon high school English teacher will not be allowed to carry her gun to school, a state circuit court ruled on Friday in a decision closely watched by both sides of the gun debate.

Damn! This chick's go a set on her.....of BALLS! I can't believe she actually sued for the right to come to class strapped. Actually...the more i think about it...maybe she's on to something here? Little Timmy walks into English class ill-prepared for the test. He decides to sit next to the quiet, unassuming asian girl wearing glasses...just a few peaks at her paper and he's a lock for at least a B+. The teacher passes out the tests, and before the students can finish signing their names she announces, "Eyes on your own papers, students!", as she lays her Glock semi-automatic pistol down on her desk. Needless to say...Timmy fails with flying colors and never again forgets to study for a test for the rest of his life.

Pick Six

Well the Colts win the award for worst performance on Sunday. Manning gave up a franchise high 6 picks to the Chargers, 3 of which were to Cromartie who was starting in place of the injured Quentin Jammer. If that wasn't bad enough, Vinatieri missed two field goals, including a 29 yard chip shot for the win with only a few minutes left. The Colts also gave up 2 kick returns (one on a punt and one on the opening kick off). It was a painful game to watch, and one that made me believe the Bills may soon be a bigger threat in the AFC than the Colts are. at least without Harrison and Clark. Its hard to write jokes about sports, so instead, enjoy this classic tale:

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. "do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur" the bear asks the rabbit. "why no" he replies. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. . .

Boobs = Brains?

BBC News - Women with curvy figures are likely to be brighter than waif-like counterparts and may well produce more intelligent offspring, a US study suggests. Researchers studied 16,000 women and girls and found the more voluptuous performed better on cognitive tests - as did their children. The bigger the difference between a woman's waist and hips the better. Researchers writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour speculated this was to do with fatty acids found on the hips. In this area, the fat is likely to be the much touted Omega-3, which could improve the woman's own mental abilities as well as those of her child during pregnancy.

So fat makes you smarter huh? in that case can somebody try and explain to me why Britney Spears seems to get dumber with every Taco Bell Chalupa she inhales? Answer that one there, "science" guys. . .And lets be honest, is it that busty women are actually smarter? Or is it just that they sound smarter because we're too distracted by their giant boobs to really focus on what they're saying in the first place?

read the full article here

Thanks to the (very) dark and mysterious Mongulu for the tip.

PUNCHED!

Kimbo Fights Tonight

Kimbo Slice fights against Bo Cantrell in the Elite XC Renegade tonight on Showtime, starting at 10. If you haven't seen this guy fight, i definitely recommend checking him out. It quite possible he's the most intimidating man on the planet.

Duke Football is Favored??

So Duke's biggest game of the year is only 8 days away, and believe it or not, they are actually slight favorites over Notre Dame. . . God knows how that happened, but i think its safe to say this is the biggest Duke football game of the past 15-20 years. It would be great to see the boys in blue get a little national TV time without having to take a 52-0 drubbing at the hands of Florida State.

dukesuperbowl.com broke down the most important aspects of the matchup, and you can see it in the banner picture above, or check out the site and donate to the cause!

thanks to sexy and stylish Ryan for the tip . . .

Ouch

Sorry for the barrage of videos today, but I'm hung over and waaay too lazy to come up with something witty on a Friday. instead, think about this: you know this woman hit her chin on at least 3 rungs of that ladder on her way down . . .

It Could Be Worse. . .

I included this video for a few reasons. first, its hilarious to watch this woman squirm in futility. second, why does nobody help her at all? they just sit there, laugh and watch her squirm. and finally, i wanted to put this video up to show that no matter how bad your day gets, just remember, at least youre not stuck in a ditch.

MJ To Manage Transylvania Yankees?

What the hell is going on here? i really don't even know where to begin. should i start with the fact that this is a photo shoot for Ebony Magazine? or should i start with the Yankees hat? or the cape? or the sequined shirt. . . Jesus i need to stop looking at this before my head explodes. . .

Meet The Luckiest Girl in the World

Sarah Carmen is a 24 year old with probably the coolest physical affliction I've ever heard of:

"Sarah suffers from Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS), which increases blood flow to the sex organs. She said: "Sometimes I have so much sex to try to calm myself down I get bored of it. And men I sleep with don't seem to make as much effort because I climax so easily."

um, duh. you would think by now she would have learned that guys really only try as hard as they have to. . .

As she chatted, Sarah became increasingly flustered. "Sorry, you'll have to excuse me for a minute. I'll be with you in a sec," she mumbled before letting out a long sigh.

she goes on to explain that her condition started as a result of taking anti-depressants. . . i guess if 200 orgasms a day doesn't cure depression, i don't know what will:

"In six months I was having 150 orgasms a day—and it has been as many as 200."

Wow, incredible. now the more i think about this story, the more i wonder if this is really a gift or a curse. lets be honest, on the surface being able to orgasm this easily has got to be amazing, but 200 a day? i can barely handle once a day. my record is only 3.5 in 24 hours (with the 4th attempt aborted due to chafing). Hell, after one orgasm I'm pretty much laid up for about a week. my legs turn to noodles, my blood pressure drops to 2/1 and all i want to do is eat sandwiches.

read the full article here.

Breaking News: Dog The Bounty Hunter Not Black

In an interview with Sean Hannity the other day Duane Chapman issued his sincere apologies for hisracial tirade toward his son, and also explains why he thought it was okay for him to use the N-word:

"I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word
as a brother to a brother," he said. "I'm not. I didn't know really know until
three or four days ago what that meant to black people. I now learned I'm not black at all," Chapman said. "And I never did it out of hate. All black people in America I owe an apology to," Chapman said during in the interview. "Whether, how dark I think I am, I cannot say that word. I owe the rest of the people, whether they are black or not in America, an apology because people look up to me. If I could kill myself and people would forgive me, I would do that," he said.

Yeah, i thought i was cool with the black community too once, only to look in the mirror and realize i had blue eyes and freckles. So to help other unfortunate, misguided white kids, i came up with my own list of ways you can tell youre not black:

1. You have a Mullet

2. You use Bear Mace

3. You have reality show on A&E, Bravo, NBC, ABC, CBS . . .pretty much any station besides BET or ESPN.

4. you have a fat blonde wife

wait, scratch that last one. man i need to work on my list-making abilities. . .

Meet The Craziest Man of the Year

Now its hard to tell because this guy is so clean-cut and stereotypically scientist looking, but dont let his normal appearance fool you, he's actually quite insane. His name is Aubrey De Grey and he recently issued a statement saying that within the next few years humans will be able to extend their lives outwards of 1000 years.

"It is not just an idea: it's a very detailed plan to repair all the types of molecular and cellular damage that happen to us over time. And each method to do this is either already working in a preliminary form (in clinical trials) or is based on technologies that already exist and just need to be combined. "

Wow, so we're only 20 years away from being able to live forever? sounds like a pretty sweet deal. that is of course, assuming this guy wasn't doing acid when he made his claim. i think we're in the clear, though, because nothing says "i dont do acid" like that beard. . .

Update: Vote Stolen by Fred Thompson

So as it turns out, hot-ass wives are pretty prevalent among Presidential candidates this year. Fred Thompson just stepped the game up with his hot trophy wife. Now given, Fred was on Law and Order and chicks dig famous dudes, but he might actually be worse looking than Kucinich! So ignore my last post. I'm voting for Jeri Thompson as first lady today. . . wait, the presidential election is next year? crap. what the hell am i gonna do with all these "Fred Thompson in '07" bumper stickers. . .I'll probably just give them to some hippies. those smelly dudes looove their bumper stickers. . .

Kucinich Just Earned My Vote

Now, ordinarily im not inclined to vote for policiticians who look like a ventriliquist dummy that came to life in "Babes in Toyland" but take a look at Kucinich's wife. Holy Shit. how is a troll like him pulling this kind of kitty? He must have unbelievable game. . .And shes british on top of it. i checked The Book and it says that British chicks autmoatically get an extra point on a scale of 1-10 just for the accent. Making her at least an 8 to Kucinich's 4. . . But if an elf like this guy can convince a woman this hot to sleep with him, there may actually be hope for middle east peace after all. . .as long as Kucinich is the one running game. . .

SEXY UPDATE: Apparently Elizabeth Kucinich also has a tongue ring, and their idea of "sleeping in" is getting up, going to brunch and then getting back in bed until 4:30pm. . . your move Mrs. Thompson . . .

Larry King is Out Of Touch

How long will it be before they take this dinosaur off the air? His interviews used to be significant, well scripted and in-depth. now it looks like he shows up 4 minutes before air time, finds out who he's interviewing that night and then just asks whatever assininely out of touch question first pops into that giant prune of a head. Tune in next week as he interviews Bill Gates and asks such inciscive questions as "can you really make money from computers?" and "what exactly is windows. . ."

Lily Allen Should Write Blogs, Got Hot

"In an interview with The Mail on Sunday's You magazine, she could not resist one more dig at Victoria Beckham. Lily, 22, who shot to fame when her single Smile went to No1 last summer, criticised Posh Spice's obsession with fame. And as she revealed a glamorous new look of her own, Lily accused Victoria of revelling in being famous for no reason.

"I think, 'You are not promoting anything, you don't need the money, so all it's about is being famous.' And I can never imagine my life being about being famous. I make music, that's what I am here for. I would never go out and court publicity. I am in such a good place, it wouldn't occur to me"

What the hell happened to Lily Allen? I feel like a month ago she was a tubby, british tomboy and now she looks like a cross between Wednesday Adams and Rose McGowan. Obviously the banner picture is photoshopped like crazy, but 6 months ago, not even photoshop could erase her manliness, now she looks almost doable.

And have you ever seen a celebrity who hates other clebrities more than Lily Allen? you have to appreciate her candor though, and she certainly makes my job easy. Next thing you know she's gonna be ripping on the Queen for having bad teeth and a sense of entitilement. . .

Dog Is So Screwed

In a statement released late yesterday, Duane Chapman, star of the A&E hit, Dog the Bounty Hunter, apologized for making racist remarks during a taped phone conversation with his son, Tucker. In the nearly eight minute long phone call, Chapman threatens to fire his son if he doesn't break up with his girlfriend, Monique Shinnery, because she is a black girl. Then he just basically says the n-word over and over.

My sincerest, heartfelt apologies go out to every person I have offended for my regrettable use of very inappropriate language. I am deeply disappointed in myself for speaking out of anger to my son and using such a hateful term in a
private phone conversation. It was completely taken out of context. I was disappointed in his choice of a friend, not due to her race, but her character. However, I should have never used that term. I have the utmost respect and aloha
for black people who have already suffered so much due to racial discrimination and acts of hatred. I did not mean to add yet another slap in the face to an entire race of people who have brought so many gifts to this world. I am ashamed of myself and I pledge to do whatever I can to repair this damage I have caused."

In less than 24 hours, A&E has suspended production on the show and Chapman has reportedly reached out to Al Sharpton in an effort to explain. - IDLYITW

Is anybody really surprised that this guy is a racist. I mean Seriously? he has a wicked mullet, uses Bear Mace on his victims and his wife looks like she takes a Clorox shower every morning. the only thing missing from this red-neck equation is a plastic pool, 6 pack of high life and a camaro with a foot shaped gas pedal. . .