Book Of Ass

Wow

2007-12-28T11:11:00.000-08:00

what do you get when you mix Japan's love of classical instruments, technological innovation and shitty fashion sense? This ridiculously talented girl with a stupid hat and boa. And whats with the crowd reaction? that shit was crazy and like 4 people applaud. . .

The Ukraine has The Right Idea

2007-12-18T11:46:00.000-08:00

You gotta hand it to the ukraine. while the US army is promising to make us stronger and tougher, The Ukraine has caught on to something that apparently our army hasn't yet - chicks dig army guys. My question is, how did they get all these hot ukrainian chicks into this video? Because lets be honest the girls in this ad must represent at least 90% of the Ukraine's hot chick population. . .

Apparently Lack of Talent is Contagious

2007-12-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

Jessica Simpson came out to show her support for her new succubal target, Tony Romo yesterday. This leach just works from talented person to talented person sucking all the life out of them, and then moving on. First, the mega-star Nick Lachey, then dreamboat John Mayer and now Cowboy's superstar Romo (who went 13-33 with 3 interceptions and a fumble on sunday). I haven't seen a talent vaccuum operate with this kind of efficiency since the last time i was in Detroit. moral of the story - Detroit Sucks.

Hillary Drank From The Wrong Grail

2007-12-17T06:55:00.000-08:00

Hillary took a break from the campaign trail this weekend and headed to Alexandretta where she was pennetant before god, made a leap of faith across an invisible bridge and then overpowered a 2000 year old knight in order to drink from the holy grail. but it seems from these pictures that she did not choose wisely. . .

Man Chugs Bottle of Vodka in Airport Security Line

2007-12-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

BERLIN - A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules, police said Wednesday.The incident occurred at the Nuremberg airport on Tuesday, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt. New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo. Instead, he chugged the bottle down — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

Damn, i gotta give this guy some serious credit. Way to stick it to the man. I'm willing to bet his medical bills were way more expensive than any fee he would have had to pay to check his bags, but that didn't bother this guy. He said "fuck you" to security and chugged it right in their faces. he later collapsed, vomited on himself and probably shit his pants, but hey, totally worth it.

p.s. hasn't this guy ever heard of duty free?

p.p.s If you aint chugginnnnnn' youre jerkinnnnnn' (for my Duke boys)

read the full article here.

Geriatric Drinking Clubs

2007-12-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

The Independent - “A retired schoolteacher has spoken of how he became trapped for four days in the lavatory of his local bowling club. David Leggat, who is a regular customer at Abberdeen's Kittybrewster and Woodside Bowling Club, walked into the lavatory on Monday, when the door slammed behind him and became jammed. Cut off from the outside world with no access to any sustenance other than water, Mr Leggat had to wait for four nights in the bitter cold before Cathay Scollay, the club's cleaner, heard his cries for help and sounded the alarm.”

So the real question here is what was he doing all alone at the bowling club? Clearly this story makes no sense, and is probably the cover he’s using so his nagging wife will get off his back about drinking at the bowling alley every night. Four days “locked in the bathroom” sounds like a metaphor for a four day raging binger with co-conspiring geriatrics. Please note that this guy is the bowling club’s wine convenor (and here you thought bowling was all about beer and fries; not in Scotland, they class those balls up over there), thus granting him unfettered access to all the booze. He’s even quoted as saying "The only thing I regret is not getting trapped behind the bar." C’mon Leggat, fess up, you thought you were in the bar the whole time because you were too tanked to tell the difference.

Ashanti's Sister Got Screwed

2007-12-11T06:09:00.000-08:00

Damn, talk about getting the short end of the genetic stick. . . This is Ashanti's sister "Shi shi" who, as i can only guess from the picture, and lack of Ashanti press lately, ate her sister in some sort of Cookie Monster-esque pop star binge. I would say she probably ate Ja Rule and Irv Gotti too, but i think i just passed them on the street this morning begging for fur coats outside of Dunkin Donuts.

Santa's Got Sex On The Brain?

2007-12-06T18:51:00.001-08:00

Associated Press - Microsoft Corp. quickly shut down Santa Claus’ Web privileges after it found out the automated elf it created for kids to instant message with was talking naughty, not nice. Last year, Microsoft encouraged kids to connect directly to “Santa” by adding northpolelive.com to their Windows Live Messenger contact lists. The Santa program, which Microsoft reactivated in early December, asked children what they wanted for Christmas and could respond on topic, thanks to artificial intelligence.

Apparently someone was instant messaging with "Santa" and repeatedly invited him over to eat pizza. St. Nick's response..."You want me to eat what?!? It’s fun to talk about oral sex, but I want to chat about something else.” I don't really know where to go with this one. Pizza? You're telling me that in an effort to win some one on one time with Santa you go to Pizza as your outpitch? Poor effort. Milk and cookies...milk and cookies...

On a separate note, what will we tell the kids when they see Santa getting grilled by Chris Hanson on To Catch A Predator: Northpole? They have the chatlogs, Santa.....What were you gonna do?

Who Is Anthony Smith?

2007-12-06T18:16:00.000-08:00

More importantly, who's he kidding? For those of you who don't know, Anthony Smith is the second-year free safety for the Pittsburgh Steelers who guaranteed a victory this Sunday over the undefeated Patriots. Is this guy kidding me? Did he just ask for an ass-kicking? They only thing you can guarantee come Sunday is that Tom Brady and Randy Moss will make him pay for those words...probably a few times...

For the record I am not a Patriots fan....and I hate the Red Sox...

Abs of Ale

2007-11-30T16:25:00.001-08:00

It's about time that we get some chick action up in here. Cause the other three guys sure as hell can't get it on their own. So hey, I'm Sass. I bite.

While browsing the net for some man-tastic gifts for the holidays, I came across this little gem. What could be better that your very own neoprene beer gut? Holds more than a 6 pack fellas. This isn't some pansy 40 oz you hide in a brown paper bag. This is the real deal, loud and proud. So strap one on men and strut your gut. Conveniently removable for post-game action with all the ladies who will be fawning all over you.

I'd get one for myself but I fear the repercussions of looking preggers whilst chugging copious amounts of beer. I suppose I could just turn in around and go the J-Lo big ass route...on that note, I'm placing my order right now. Get your own here:

http://www.after5catalog.com/product_info.php/cPath/17_19/products_id/812/type/product/ID/341-06601/OVRAW/GiftsDotCom/OVKEY/TheBeerBelly?osCsid=27fc3560be5cd984c27a1dfe72c0e26a

Hooker Sells Herself For Charity

2007-11-29T12:17:00.000-08:00

SANTIAGO (Reuters) - A Chilean prostitute has auctioned 27 hours of sex to raise money for the country's largest charity during an annual fund-raising campaign. Maria Carolina became an overnight celebrity in the conservative Roman Catholic country, making news headlines and appearing on talk shows since she made her unusual donation to the televised charity event, which runs for 27 hours starting on Friday evening."I've already auctioned off the 27 hours of love," Maria Carolina told Reuters on Wednesday, saying she had raised about $4,000. "One of my clients already paid. It seemed like a good deed to him."

This is probably the best idea I've heard to increase donations to charity since Jerry Lewis started doing his telethon back in 1922. Can you imagine how much money we could raise if we started doing this in the US? especially if we got celebrities and pornstars involved? the possibilities are endless. . . donate blood, get a handjob. Donate a kidney, get a threesome. This is the kind of get-it-done attitude thats going to end world hunger.

read the full article here. . .

Daaamn

2007-11-28T12:59:00.000-08:00

This photo provided by the Florida Highway Patrol shows a State Police cruiser covered with bags of marijuana Tuesday, Nov. 27, 2007. The Florida Highway Patrol says anyone missing two big bags of pot can call their Tampa area office. A crew picking up litter from along Interstate 4 near Tuesday morning made an unusual find: two big plastic garbage bags stuffed with freshly harvested marijuana. (AP Photo/Florida Highway Patrol)

What The Hell Happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt?

2007-11-28T11:08:00.000-08:00

Lets get one thing straight - i grew up in love with Jennifer Love Hewitt. i followed her as far back as "Kids Incorporated". I watched her struggle with her awkward stage in "Trojan War" and finally saw her reach her full potential in "Heartbreakers". But what the hell has happened to her lately? I blame the douche on her left. The second a girl gets comfortable with herself, this is the kind of thing that happens. if her ass gets any bigger its going to develop its own gravitational pull . . .

Carl Is Pissed

2007-11-28T10:46:00.000-08:00

Overweight? Just Stand Up . . .

2007-11-28T06:21:00.000-08:00

ABC News - Scientists have found intriguing evidence that one major reason so many people are overweight these days may be as close as the seat of their pants. Literally. According to the researchers, most of us sit too much. In most cases, exercise alone, according to a team of scientists at the University of Missouri, isn't enough to take off those added pounds. The problem, they say, is that all the stuff we've heard the last few years about weight control left one key factor out of the equation. When we sit, the researchers found, the enzymes that are responsible for burning fat just shut down.

Well that's a load off my mind. All this time i thought i was fat because i eat butter sandwiches for lunch and wash them down with a brownie milkshake. turns out I'm just not standing up enough. I guess this means i can finally afford to go for seconds of my patented mayonnaise soup. . .

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-21T11:48:00.000-08:00

With the holidays approaching, the posts will be coming few and far between for a few days. check back with us on monday when we will be fully up and running again. In the meantime, enjoy the 4 day weekend.

Huckabee Into the Lead

2007-11-21T10:16:00.000-08:00

Continuing my theme of voting for presidential candidates regardless of their politics, i waivered recently between Kucinich and his hot wife, and Fred Thompson and his hot wife. But today, Mike Huckabee has jumped into the lead for my vote with one of the most creative campaign ads ive seen to date. Its nice to see a candidate who's not afraid to show his sense of humor, but more importantly, someone who is clearly in touch with today's youth. Mike Huckabee is Chuck Norris Approved.

Ouch

2007-11-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

Shawne Merriman Probably Did Steroids

2007-11-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

I'm not saying he did, I'm not saying he didnt, but this before and after picture from Profootballtalk.com shows Merriman before his steroid suspension and then 2 years later. apparently being on steroids not only makes your shoulders 5 times bigger, but it also allows you to grow a much sweeter goatee. . .

I Finally Nailed It

2007-11-19T08:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, so i've been trying for years to decipher the origins of Bill Belichick's unique sideline look, and i think i finally figured it out. . . .Mix one part Flashdance, 2 parts Jimmy Mac and one part defensive genious, and you get Bill. thank God i can finally stop google image searching cut off sweatshirt" now . . .

Woman "Too Fat" for New Zealand

2007-11-19T07:08:00.000-08:00

A British man who moved to New Zealand has been told by officials that his wife is too fat to join him. Richie Trezise, 35, a rugby-playing Welshman, lost weight to gain entry to New Zealand after being rejected for being overweight and a potential burden on the health care system. Richie and Rowan Trezise have been battling to shed pounds. His wife, Rowan, is now on a strict diet. However, she has been battling for months to shed the pounds so they can be reunited and live Down Under. But his wife Rowan, who planned to emigrate with him, has failed to overcome the obesity test.

Man, thats harsh. i can understand being too fat for one seatbelt on an airplane. Or even being too fat to walk around a grocery store so you get to ride those cool rascals instead. but too fat for an entire country? thats a whole new level of fattitude. at a certain point its time to take the straw out of the gravy boat and put it into some crystal light.

Read the full article here

I'm Not Taking Sides

2007-11-16T11:28:00.001-08:00

Growing up in Boston and going to school at Duke (don't hold it against me) I've had the privelege of growing up with some of the greatest rivalries in sports history: Celtics/Lakers, Sox/Yankees, Duke/UNC, Patriots/Everybody. So when another big rivalry like OSU/UM rolls around i just can't get motivated. I already have enough on my plate as it is. So for games like this i like to decide who to root for based solely on the attractiveness of the fans. Thanks to this banner picture, it looks like OSU is going to win in a landslide, but if there are any UM fans out there who can do better, send the pic our way.

Greatest Sport Ever? Yes, Greatest Sport Ever.

2007-11-16T11:03:00.000-08:00

There are really no words for this video. just watch, and enjoy.

Album of the Month: Little Brother - Get Back!

2007-11-15T12:25:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard of Little Brother yet, i don't blame you. The Duo of Rapper Big Poo and Phonte like to stay under the radar for the most part. In fact, on songs like "Life of the Party" they even seem to enjoy their life in obscurity. Expect much of that to change though, with the release of their most recent album "Get Back!" At only 11 songs long, it is by far the most concise LB album to date. After parting ways with their producer 9th wonder, LB has also managed to make this new album tighter production-wise, and catchier hook-wise. The album is much more up tempo than previous offerings, and doesn't drag nearly as much other releases. They also manage to keep their humor and personality in there, despite opting away from the numerous skits they are known for. There may not be a top 40 hit on here, but in the words of one of my hip hop head friends: "they just don't make rap music like this anymore". I Couldn't have said it better myself.

Stream the whole album for free here

Today is Slow

2007-11-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

Its a pretty slow news day, so instead, enjoy this montage of boating idiots.

Man Caught Sexing up a Bicycle

2007-11-15T07:05:00.000-08:00

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland. On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers. She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. "They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. "The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

In the man's defense the bike was a Schwinn and anybody who rides bikes knows that Schwinns are total sluts. there is no doubt in my mind this bike was asking for it. . . those big 20 inch tires, the naughty streamers on the handle bars, that seat that just begs "ride me" . . . show me a man who could turn that down, and ill show you a greater man than I.

P.S. does this make this guy a bikesexual?

Read the full article here

Drano

2007-11-14T11:06:00.001-08:00

Yes, this video is real, and yes, thats an L.A. Clippers dancer that hits the shot.

The Chinese are Weird, Possibly Infected

2007-11-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

BEIJING (AFP) - Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in southern China, threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported Tuesday. "These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well ... threatening the health of local people," it said. Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said."People could be infected with AIDS, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while waving their hair into plaits or buns," the paper quoted a local dermatologist who gave only his surname, Dong, as saying.

Generally i don't believe any information given by a guy named only "Dong". who is this guy? the Cher of Chinese dermatologists? was he playing a joke on the reporter or something? That being said, this story is just crazy enough to be true. And i think we can all agree that China has been putting out some pretty brilliant concepts lately . . . lead toothpaste? sure. . . Aids infected condom hats? absolutely . . . capitalism? whoa whoa whoa, lets not go overboard. . .

read the full article here

Thanks to animal-lover Therese for the tip

Kimbowned

2007-11-13T13:31:00.000-08:00

http://view.break.com/398527 - Watch more free videos

Hope you didnt blink during the Kimbo fight on saturday night. if you did, you probably missed it. here is the entire fight, from start to finish. Its only a matter of time before Bo Cantrell starts pretending to get knocked out by cheese-filled pizza crusts. . .

Update: Paris To Help Drunken Elephants

2007-11-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

GAUHATI, India (AP) - With Rwanda off her charity calendar, Paris Hilton has turned her attention to the plight of ... drunken elephants in India. "The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," the 26-year-old socialite was quoted as saying by the World Entertainment News Network's Web site. In the wake of her jail term for an alcohol-related reckless driving case, Hilton is seeking to remake her image from club-hopping party girl to world-traveling do-gooder. She announced plans to do charity work in Rwanda, but the trip was postponed until next year.

Well, if theres a party, Paris will get there. I can't believe i expected any less from her. . . 40 drunken Elephants? sounds like a rager. What do you think her plan to get them off beer is, try to convince them to drink wine in a can instead?

Update 2: GAUHATI, India (AP) - In a Nov. 13 story, The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India.

Elephants Get Drunk, Electrocuted

2007-11-13T06:36:00.000-08:00

GAUHATI, India - Six Asiatic wild elephants were electrocuted as they went berserk after drinking rice beer in India's remote northeast, a wildlife official said Tuesday. Nearly 40 elephants came to a village on Friday looking for food. Some found beer, which farmers ferment and keep in plastic and tin drums in their huts, said Sunil Kumar, a state wildlife official. They got drunk, uprooted a utility pole carrying power lines and were electrocuted in Chandan Nukat, a village nearly 150 miles west of Shillong, the capital of Meghalaya state, Kumar said.

Reports indicate the surviving Elephants then quickly moved on to the local IHOP for some stuffed french toast and could be heard drunk dialing other, less cool elephants throughout the night . . .

Read Full Article Here

Check It At The Door, Ma'am

2007-11-12T17:35:00.000-08:00

REUTERS - An Oregon high school English teacher will not be allowed to carry her gun to school, a state circuit court ruled on Friday in a decision closely watched by both sides of the gun debate.

Damn! This chick's go a set on her.....of BALLS! I can't believe she actually sued for the right to come to class strapped. Actually...the more i think about it...maybe she's on to something here? Little Timmy walks into English class ill-prepared for the test. He decides to sit next to the quiet, unassuming asian girl wearing glasses...just a few peaks at her paper and he's a lock for at least a B+. The teacher passes out the tests, and before the students can finish signing their names she announces, "Eyes on your own papers, students!", as she lays her Glock semi-automatic pistol down on her desk. Needless to say...Timmy fails with flying colors and never again forgets to study for a test for the rest of his life.

Pick Six

2007-11-12T10:22:00.000-08:00

Well the Colts win the award for worst performance on Sunday. Manning gave up a franchise high 6 picks to the Chargers, 3 of which were to Cromartie who was starting in place of the injured Quentin Jammer. If that wasn't bad enough, Vinatieri missed two field goals, including a 29 yard chip shot for the win with only a few minutes left. The Colts also gave up 2 kick returns (one on a punt and one on the opening kick off). It was a painful game to watch, and one that made me believe the Bills may soon be a bigger threat in the AFC than the Colts are. at least without Harrison and Clark. Its hard to write jokes about sports, so instead, enjoy this classic tale:

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. "do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur" the bear asks the rabbit. "why no" he replies. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. . .

Boobs = Brains?

2007-11-12T10:14:00.000-08:00

BBC News - Women with curvy figures are likely to be brighter than waif-like counterparts and may well produce more intelligent offspring, a US study suggests. Researchers studied 16,000 women and girls and found the more voluptuous performed better on cognitive tests - as did their children. The bigger the difference between a woman's waist and hips the better. Researchers writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour speculated this was to do with fatty acids found on the hips. In this area, the fat is likely to be the much touted Omega-3, which could improve the woman's own mental abilities as well as those of her child during pregnancy.

So fat makes you smarter huh? in that case can somebody try and explain to me why Britney Spears seems to get dumber with every Taco Bell Chalupa she inhales? Answer that one there, "science" guys. . .And lets be honest, is it that busty women are actually smarter? Or is it just that they sound smarter because we're too distracted by their giant boobs to really focus on what they're saying in the first place?

read the full article here

Thanks to the (very) dark and mysterious Mongulu for the tip.

PUNCHED!

2007-11-11T05:29:00.000-08:00

Kimbo Fights Tonight

2007-11-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

Kimbo Slice fights against Bo Cantrell in the Elite XC Renegade tonight on Showtime, starting at 10. If you haven't seen this guy fight, i definitely recommend checking him out. It quite possible he's the most intimidating man on the planet.

Duke Football is Favored??

2007-11-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

So Duke's biggest game of the year is only 8 days away, and believe it or not, they are actually slight favorites over Notre Dame. . . God knows how that happened, but i think its safe to say this is the biggest Duke football game of the past 15-20 years. It would be great to see the boys in blue get a little national TV time without having to take a 52-0 drubbing at the hands of Florida State.

dukesuperbowl.com broke down the most important aspects of the matchup, and you can see it in the banner picture above, or check out the site and donate to the cause!

thanks to sexy and stylish Ryan for the tip . . .

Ouch

2007-11-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the barrage of videos today, but I'm hung over and waaay too lazy to come up with something witty on a Friday. instead, think about this: you know this woman hit her chin on at least 3 rungs of that ladder on her way down . . .

It Could Be Worse. . .

2007-11-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

I included this video for a few reasons. first, its hilarious to watch this woman squirm in futility. second, why does nobody help her at all? they just sit there, laugh and watch her squirm. and finally, i wanted to put this video up to show that no matter how bad your day gets, just remember, at least youre not stuck in a ditch.

MJ To Manage Transylvania Yankees?

2007-11-08T14:23:00.000-08:00

What the hell is going on here? i really don't even know where to begin. should i start with the fact that this is a photo shoot for Ebony Magazine? or should i start with the Yankees hat? or the cape? or the sequined shirt. . . Jesus i need to stop looking at this before my head explodes. . .

Meet The Luckiest Girl in the World

2007-11-08T10:52:00.000-08:00

Sarah Carmen is a 24 year old with probably the coolest physical affliction I've ever heard of:

"Sarah suffers from Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS), which increases blood flow to the sex organs. She said: "Sometimes I have so much sex to try to calm myself down I get bored of it. And men I sleep with don't seem to make as much effort because I climax so easily."

um, duh. you would think by now she would have learned that guys really only try as hard as they have to. . .

As she chatted, Sarah became increasingly flustered. "Sorry, you'll have to excuse me for a minute. I'll be with you in a sec," she mumbled before letting out a long sigh.

she goes on to explain that her condition started as a result of taking anti-depressants. . . i guess if 200 orgasms a day doesn't cure depression, i don't know what will:

"In six months I was having 150 orgasms a day—and it has been as many as 200."

Wow, incredible. now the more i think about this story, the more i wonder if this is really a gift or a curse. lets be honest, on the surface being able to orgasm this easily has got to be amazing, but 200 a day? i can barely handle once a day. my record is only 3.5 in 24 hours (with the 4th attempt aborted due to chafing). Hell, after one orgasm I'm pretty much laid up for about a week. my legs turn to noodles, my blood pressure drops to 2/1 and all i want to do is eat sandwiches.

read the full article here.

Breaking News: Dog The Bounty Hunter Not Black

2007-11-08T05:49:00.000-08:00

In an interview with Sean Hannity the other day Duane Chapman issued his sincere apologies for hisracial tirade toward his son, and also explains why he thought it was okay for him to use the N-word:

"I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word
as a brother to a brother," he said. "I'm not. I didn't know really know until
three or four days ago what that meant to black people. I now learned I'm not black at all," Chapman said. "And I never did it out of hate. All black people in America I owe an apology to," Chapman said during in the interview. "Whether, how dark I think I am, I cannot say that word. I owe the rest of the people, whether they are black or not in America, an apology because people look up to me. If I could kill myself and people would forgive me, I would do that," he said.

Yeah, i thought i was cool with the black community too once, only to look in the mirror and realize i had blue eyes and freckles. So to help other unfortunate, misguided white kids, i came up with my own list of ways you can tell youre not black:

1. You have a Mullet

2. You use Bear Mace

3. You have reality show on A&E, Bravo, NBC, ABC, CBS . . .pretty much any station besides BET or ESPN.

4. you have a fat blonde wife

wait, scratch that last one. man i need to work on my list-making abilities. . .

Meet The Craziest Man of the Year

2007-11-06T07:58:00.001-08:00

Now its hard to tell because this guy is so clean-cut and stereotypically scientist looking, but dont let his normal appearance fool you, he's actually quite insane. His name is Aubrey De Grey and he recently issued a statement saying that within the next few years humans will be able to extend their lives outwards of 1000 years.

"It is not just an idea: it's a very detailed plan to repair all the types of molecular and cellular damage that happen to us over time. And each method to do this is either already working in a preliminary form (in clinical trials) or is based on technologies that already exist and just need to be combined. "

Wow, so we're only 20 years away from being able to live forever? sounds like a pretty sweet deal. that is of course, assuming this guy wasn't doing acid when he made his claim. i think we're in the clear, though, because nothing says "i dont do acid" like that beard. . .

Update: Vote Stolen by Fred Thompson

2007-11-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

So as it turns out, hot-ass wives are pretty prevalent among Presidential candidates this year. Fred Thompson just stepped the game up with his hot trophy wife. Now given, Fred was on Law and Order and chicks dig famous dudes, but he might actually be worse looking than Kucinich! So ignore my last post. I'm voting for Jeri Thompson as first lady today. . . wait, the presidential election is next year? crap. what the hell am i gonna do with all these "Fred Thompson in '07" bumper stickers. . .I'll probably just give them to some hippies. those smelly dudes looove their bumper stickers. . .

Kucinich Just Earned My Vote

2007-11-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

Now, ordinarily im not inclined to vote for policiticians who look like a ventriliquist dummy that came to life in "Babes in Toyland" but take a look at Kucinich's wife. Holy Shit. how is a troll like him pulling this kind of kitty? He must have unbelievable game. . .And shes british on top of it. i checked The Book and it says that British chicks autmoatically get an extra point on a scale of 1-10 just for the accent. Making her at least an 8 to Kucinich's 4. . . But if an elf like this guy can convince a woman this hot to sleep with him, there may actually be hope for middle east peace after all. . .as long as Kucinich is the one running game. . .

SEXY UPDATE: Apparently Elizabeth Kucinich also has a tongue ring, and their idea of "sleeping in" is getting up, going to brunch and then getting back in bed until 4:30pm. . . your move Mrs. Thompson . . .

Larry King is Out Of Touch

2007-11-06T06:24:00.000-08:00

How long will it be before they take this dinosaur off the air? His interviews used to be significant, well scripted and in-depth. now it looks like he shows up 4 minutes before air time, finds out who he's interviewing that night and then just asks whatever assininely out of touch question first pops into that giant prune of a head. Tune in next week as he interviews Bill Gates and asks such inciscive questions as "can you really make money from computers?" and "what exactly is windows. . ."

Lily Allen Should Write Blogs, Got Hot

2007-11-06T05:58:00.000-08:00

"In an interview with The Mail on Sunday's You magazine, she could not resist one more dig at Victoria Beckham. Lily, 22, who shot to fame when her single Smile went to No1 last summer, criticised Posh Spice's obsession with fame. And as she revealed a glamorous new look of her own, Lily accused Victoria of revelling in being famous for no reason.

"I think, 'You are not promoting anything, you don't need the money, so all it's about is being famous.' And I can never imagine my life being about being famous. I make music, that's what I am here for. I would never go out and court publicity. I am in such a good place, it wouldn't occur to me"

What the hell happened to Lily Allen? I feel like a month ago she was a tubby, british tomboy and now she looks like a cross between Wednesday Adams and Rose McGowan. Obviously the banner picture is photoshopped like crazy, but 6 months ago, not even photoshop could erase her manliness, now she looks almost doable.

And have you ever seen a celebrity who hates other clebrities more than Lily Allen? you have to appreciate her candor though, and she certainly makes my job easy. Next thing you know she's gonna be ripping on the Queen for having bad teeth and a sense of entitilement. . .

Dog Is So Screwed

2007-11-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

In a statement released late yesterday, Duane Chapman, star of the A&E hit, Dog the Bounty Hunter, apologized for making racist remarks during a taped phone conversation with his son, Tucker. In the nearly eight minute long phone call, Chapman threatens to fire his son if he doesn't break up with his girlfriend, Monique Shinnery, because she is a black girl. Then he just basically says the n-word over and over.

My sincerest, heartfelt apologies go out to every person I have offended for my regrettable use of very inappropriate language. I am deeply disappointed in myself for speaking out of anger to my son and using such a hateful term in a
private phone conversation. It was completely taken out of context. I was disappointed in his choice of a friend, not due to her race, but her character. However, I should have never used that term. I have the utmost respect and aloha
for black people who have already suffered so much due to racial discrimination and acts of hatred. I did not mean to add yet another slap in the face to an entire race of people who have brought so many gifts to this world. I am ashamed of myself and I pledge to do whatever I can to repair this damage I have caused."

In less than 24 hours, A&E has suspended production on the show and Chapman has reportedly reached out to Al Sharpton in an effort to explain. - IDLYITW

Is anybody really surprised that this guy is a racist. I mean Seriously? he has a wicked mullet, uses Bear Mace on his victims and his wife looks like she takes a Clorox shower every morning. the only thing missing from this red-neck equation is a plastic pool, 6 pack of high life and a camaro with a foot shaped gas pedal. . .

I Love Boobies

2007-10-31T12:51:00.001-07:00

and im guessing you do to, so dont forget that today is the last day of breast cancer awareness month. In order to spread the awareness i will be on Main Steet of Manayunk from 10-2 tonight offering free breast exams to all those women who are at risk.

medical note: statistically, women with bigger breasts are more susceptible to breast cancer.

I Love Halloween Part 2

2007-10-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

The best part of this picture is the date. This is nowhere near Halloween. . . 10 bucks says shes wearing this to a Nascar event of some sort. . .

How Gay Were The Hardy Boys

2007-10-31T07:08:00.000-07:00

10 Zen Monkeys has an article on their site detailing the history of the novels and the possible reasons behind its extremely homoerotic innuendo. apparently the Hardy Boys were gayer than jean shorts, fanny packs and feathered hair all rolled into one. . .which coincidentally is what Midnight Madness wore through the 80s to try and pick up chicks . . .one of my favorite excerpts is below:

"Nobody knows. But there's been queer lights seen down around them caves.
And shootin'. Guns goin' off. Mighty queer doin's, they say..."

Chet whistled softly. "This sounds good! We may stay longer than we had intended..."

"The one thing we're afraid of is a quiet outing. Excitement," he added slangily, "is our meat."

"Ye'll get lots of it if ye go pokin' around them caves," the old gentleman predicted.

"What a queer duck he is!" exclaimed Biff.
"I'll say he is!" ejaculated Chet Morton.

check out the rest of the article here.

R.I.P. Robert Goulet

2007-10-31T06:27:00.000-07:00

Well workday slackers can put down the Emerald nuts and rest easy again in the assurance that Robert Goulet will no longer be sneaking into their offices around 3pm to mess with their stuff:

The big-voiced baritone, whose Broadway debut in "Camelot" launched an award-winning stage and recording career, died Tuesday at a Los Angeles hospital, where he had been awaiting the transplant after being diagnosed last month with a rare form of pulmonary fibrosis. Goulet was 73.

His Moustache was 35. . .

I Love Halloween

2007-10-31T06:23:00.001-07:00

Ahh , yes, halloween. the one day of the year when girls can dress as slutty as they like without fear of judgement or indecent exposure fines. . .At what point did this holiday devolve into an excuse to dress like hookers? im not complaining at all, lets get that straight. I'm just curious who the first girl who figured it out is. i want to find her slutty ass and give her a medal, because i think we can all agree, she is one of the greatest heroes of our generation.

Best College Football Play Ever?

2007-10-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

Where was the crowd for this game? possibly the best ending in the history of D3 sports and there were less people at this game than the opening night of Gigli. . .

A-Rod is A Whore

2007-10-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

...for two reasons really. First, he chose to declare that he will be opting out of his Yankee contract during a Game 4 clincher of the World Series. Less than one year removed from the disease, cancer survivor John Lester was pitching the Red Sox to their second World Championship in four years, and as much as i hate the Red Sox, this was their time, more importantly John Lester's time to bask in the glory of victory. A-Rod didn't let that happen. He had to crash the party....and why...because he's a narcissistic attention whore who demands the spotlight.

Secondly, he cares more about the money he makes playing baseball than he does winning a championship....hands down. When he signed his first lucrative deal with Texas i cut him some slack. He was arguably the best player in the game, he hadn't been to the World Series, and up until that point he had yet to cash in on his top-tier talent. Seven years later and he's still the best player in the bigs and he still hasn't been to a World Series, but he has taken his talent to the bank...to the tune of $252 Million. Now, instead of waiting to hear what kind of offer the Yankees make, and instead of respectfully waiting for the World Series to end, A-rod comes crashing into the spotlight like a bull in a china shop to announce he's out.

It's pretty clear to me that the most important thing to Alex Rodriguez regarding baseball is not the game itself, but the amount of money and attention he can get from playing it. He'll continue to line his trophy room with MVP and Silver Slugger Awards, all the while alienating the fans who so desperately sought him to be the final piece to the Championship puzzle. You know, Alex, there's a word for people like you......WHORE.

SWEEP!

2007-10-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

blah blah blah Red Sox, blah blah blah World Series, blah blah blah Mike Lowell.

Saved By The Bell was a great show

2007-10-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

I gotta be honest here, I only read the article because I thought Screech went off the deep end and killed Zack. "Preppy Killer"? Zack Morris was THE man and Kelly was a fine piece of tail, and he had that locked up from day one. Screech was a dork. Screech didn't have anybody...he had a robot...a fucking robot....Do you have any idea what it's like getting a handjob from a robot??? Sure, he loved Lisa, but she was way out of his league. He hid the pain for as long as he could, but after enduring years of ridicule he'd had enough. A lifetime of supressed jealousy and anger leads him to whack Zack...and porn kills his career...whatever career he had

Screech also stole Zack's phone and gave it to this old dude...

BAM!

2007-10-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

Suddenly i have a serious craving for chocolate chip cookies. . .

Hanoi Hilton?

2007-10-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

HANOI, Vietnam (AP) - Vietnam is having a Paris Hilton moment.
An online sex video featuring a popular celebrity has riveted the nation for more than a week now, much as Hilton's clip seized the attention of Americans when it hit the Internet several years ago. But unlike Hilton, the 19-year-old woman at the center of Vietnam's sex scandal won't be able to capitalize on her newfound notoriety. Hoang Thuy Linh's show has been canceled and the actress has made a tearful farewell on national television.

I can't say i blame this guy for leaking the tape. If i had sex with a celebrity i'd be sending the tape to every news outlet in the modern world. But own up to it like a man dude. The "my friends stole it and posted it" is the oldest excuse in the book. Next thing you know he's gonna claim he was just holding the video for a friend. . .

Too Easy

2007-10-25T06:32:00.000-07:00

The Red Sox kept up their blistering offensive pace last night putting up a lucky 13 runs against the seriously rusty Rockies. The timing of this series couldnt have been any more perfect for the Sox. They came into the series after 3 huge wins in the ALCS while the Rockies had been forced to sit on their asses and watch, thus killing any momentum they had following the NLCS. But Beckett was a given, we all knew he would dominate. the next few games will be the true test. but if we can keep hitting like we have, we could start Gagne and still walk away with a victory. . .

Kids Today . . .

2007-10-22T11:16:00.001-07:00

Apparently the new trend in school is to download ring tones so high pitched that the kids (whose ears are young and undamaged) can hear, but that their teachers, whose ears have been damaged by years of dealing with screaming kids, cannot. Theyre called Mosquito ringtones and they bring misbehaving to a whole new level. this is some spy-like shit. try seeing what frequencies you can hear. the volume shouldnt matter. if you can't hear any of them, stop blasting Mariah Carey in your car on the way to work, you mo, and try some Barry White instead. . .

hearing test here . . .

Series Bound Again

2007-10-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

The Red Sox pulled off another improbable comeback in the ALCS, outscoring the Indians 30-5 in the last 3 games to secure their second trip to the Series in 4 years. Papelbon got the first 6 out save of his career and Dice K looked better than i have seen him in a long time. Now all we can hope is that the long lay-off and snow storms in Colorado are enough to throw the Rockies off their game.

Carrie Underwood?

2007-10-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

Could this cute girl really be Carrie Underwood before her American Idol days? You make the call, but the resemblance is too close to ignore. . .

We Just Got Owned

2007-10-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia is home to the least attractive people in the United States, a survey of visitors and residents showed on Friday. The city of more than 1.5 million people was also found to be among the least stylish, least active, least friendly and least worldly, according to the "America's Favorite Cities" survey by Travel & Leisure magazine and CNN Headline News . . . Philadelphians' self-esteem has been undermined by national surveys showing they are among the fattest people in the United States. The American Obesity Association ranked the city in the top 10 for overweight people every year between 2000 and 2005.

Ouch. as if its not bad enough we have a city full of shitty sports teams, but now we're fat, ugly and unstylish too? Philadelphia is now officially the Michael Moore of American cities. The good news is, apparently our self-esteem is so undermined as a city, i should be able to crush it at the bar tonight . . . with these aqua velva-blue eyes and a body chiseled out of marble, those fat chicks won't know what hit 'em.

Ha Ha!

2007-10-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

Is this model serious? her only job is to look hot and walk 50 feet. somehow she manages to do neither. I didn't even know ankles could do that. this girl needs to quit modeling and join cirque de soleil or something. i can't help but wonder if the rest of her joints are also that flexible. . .

Oh Baby

2007-10-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

I'm just gonna go ahead and admit that even though this movie is a year away, I'm already excited. with Spike Jonze at the helm, i think they could do some really incredible things with the storyline and special effects. just the banner pic alone gives me a serious nerd-boner.

Manny Being Manny?

2007-10-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

You don't hear Manny Ramirez give interviews often, and on Wednesday he helped us understand why. When asked about his team being down 3-1 going into game 5 against a good Cleveland team , Manny responded with, "Why should we panic? We've got a great team." Confident words coming from the perennial all-star. He then continued, "It doesn’t happen, so who cares? There’s always next year. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

Who cares??? There's always next year??? Talk about a defeatist attitude...those sound like the consoling words of a coach who just wrapped up a winless Little League season with his star player resembling the fat kid from Goonies. I'm willing to bet John Henry and the rest of the Red Sox brass care, not to mention the millions of Red Sox fans around the nation hoping for another dramatic comeback like they had in 2004 (i just threw up in my mouth re-living that painful loss). But hey, i guess that's just "Manny being Manny", right? Enough with that. From now on when Manny does or says something stupid we need to start saying Manny is an idiot or better yet, Manny is a retard.

Check out this link to one of my favorite Manny moments...

Pic of the Day

2007-10-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry, i just really needed to get that gay Yankees picture off of the top of the page. anybody else think this woman reminds them of Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Is Torre Blackmailing Yankees?

2007-10-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

As you all probably know, the Yankees organization has been meeting over the past few days to discuss the future (or lack there of) of Joe Torre. The meetings ended today with no resolution on what should have been an easy decision. why you ask? well thanks to his unbelievable snooping skills (technically breaking and entering), Ninja was able to obtain a copy of this photo from Joe Torre's vacation home. Apparently Joe Torre has been using this photo to blackmail the yankees organization into keeping his job. Brilliant? yes. Devious? yes. but would you expect anything less from the leader of the evil empire?

Whoa Whoa Whoa

2007-10-18T07:12:00.001-07:00

Okay, hold up. i was just informed that October is national Breast Cancer Awareness month?usually im pretty on top of boob news, but somehow i seem to have dropped the ball on this one. I'm always willing to jump at any chance i can to make people more aware of boobs. so for the next few weeks we will be featuring a set of boobs a day in honor of this wonderful month, and to remind everybody out there just how important it is to cure breast cancer in our lifetime.

Sign Me Up

2007-10-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON — Security screeners at two of the nation's busiest airports failed to find fake bombs hidden on undercover agents posing as passengers in more than 60% of tests last year, according to a classified report obtained by USA TODAY.
Screeners at Los Angeles International Airport missed about 75% of simulated explosives and bomb parts that Transportation Security Administration testers hid under their clothes or in carry-on bags at checkpoints, the TSA report shows.

This is why they need to hire people like me for airport security. i can spot fake bombs from a mile away. Given, in LA the surgeons are a little more advanced, and the fake ones are harder to spot, but i could still do better than 1 out of every 4. . . i feel like you could assume everyone in LA had fake bombs, and you'd still only be wrong 25% of the time. . .

Shawne Merriman is a Baller

2007-10-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

Man am i jealous of Shawne Merriman's moves. this guy is smoother than butter. everyone knows that pouring champagne on bitches is definitely the best way to pick up chicks. just look into this girl's eyes - dont they just scream "take me now!"?

3 out of 4 Dentists Recommend Groping After Every Meal

2007-10-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

WOODLAND, Calif. — A dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is trying to keep his dental license by arguing that chest massages are an appropriate procedure in certain cases. Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem. Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew (the judge) three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years. She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, "and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra," according to a police report.

First off, i have to give this guy credit for sticking to his guns. he easily just could have just rolled over and plead guilty. but no, instead he's coming to trial with a significant scientific argument, and medical journals to back it up. well done. Also, whats the statute of limitations on groping? i mean it cant be more than, like, 3 gropes right? after that you get the feeling this woman just liked the attention. And what made her think wearing a tighter shirt would fix the problem? who is this woman kidding? in the immortal words of Dave Chappelle - she may not have been a whore, but she sure was wearing a whore's uniform. I checked to Book of Ass under the subject "Dental Groping" and this is what it said: "Grope me once, shame on you. Grope me twice shame on me. grope me three times and its time to start filling cavities . . . if you know what i mean"

Pic of the Day

2007-10-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

Major props for bringing the Jack and Coke up there with them. Sex on a bridge is for pussies, but drunk sex on a bridge is a man's game.

Go White Boy

2007-10-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know who else was in this dance off, but they just got served.

Happy Birthday Ninja

2007-10-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

Since i made no effort to get him a present, or do anything cool for him on his birthday, i thought i would give Ninja the kind of gift that keeps on giving - a shout out on the most popular blog in Philadelphia (i mean this one, ass). So happy 25th, Ninja, may your night be filled with lots of sneaking up on stuff and disappearing in a cloud of smoke. . .

Posh Cementing Lead for President of Alien Welcoming Committee

2007-10-10T05:59:00.000-07:00

Well thank God somebody finally decided to step up and take some initiative. I think we can all agree the Aliens are coming, and until now the only thing we had to welcome them with was Bud Light and Hot Pockets. Posh has clearly decided to take things into her own hands. Now when the Aliens arrive they will be met, not with beer and meat pastries, but bleached hair, giant fake tits and an overwhelming sense of self-importance. and lets be honest, isn't that what America is all about?

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

2007-10-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

The Associated Press reports that Taco Bell wil be "reopening for the first time in 15 years in Mexico", and apparently the news is not sitting well with some our friends south of the border. Many people look at Taco Bell's presence in Mexico as an insult, and some of it's menu items even bigger insults as the taco in Mexico "holds a place of honor in the national cuisine."

Mexicans are passionate about their Tacos; that's really all there is to it. I once saw a guy get his ass whooped in cancun over some nachos so i can only imagine what would've happened had it been over the sacred taco. That being said, Taco Bell is coming to a pueblo near you and there's nothing you can do about it except brace yourself for the endless assault of rat-dog commercials. The real question being posed here is if they will continue to use the ad slogan "run for the border"? Let's be honest, enough of their would-be customers are already running for the border, and that border has nothing to do with getting 10 soft tacos for $3.99. A change would probably be in order....what about "Taco Bell...pick up some tacos on your run for the border"???

Global Warming a Good Thing?

2007-10-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - The number of heat-related deaths in and around New York City will nearly double by 2050 - and could rise as high as 95 percent -- due to global warming if no efforts are made to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, a new study shows.

Finally some good press for Global Warming. I'm sick of hearing all this bullshit about ice caps melting, storms destroying America and the world coming to an end. Its about time we found the silver lining in this grey cloud. Now, if only there were a way to ensure that most of those deaths were Yankee fans. . .

Why I'm Rooting for the Yankees

2007-10-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

And no, the answer is not the girl above, although she has two very compelling arguments. Before i go into my reasoning though, i need to start by pointing out that i am a die-hard red sox fan. There is not a single team, in any sport, anywhere in this universe that i hate more than the Yankees. That being said, i would like nothing more than to see them beat the Indians in this series. The reason for that is because, as a fan of the best team in the league, a world series win just wouldnt be as sweet without dismantling the evil empire in order to get there. before our first world series win i would have been rambling on about how we dont care who we play as long as we win. But over the past few years that sentiment has changed. in fact, im willing to bet that most Boston fans now care less about winning the world series than they do about beating the Yankees in the ALCS. So lets go Yanks- i hate everything your fans, your colors, your attitudes and your playing style represent, but that will just make it that much sweeter when we stick it to you in the ALCS.

Beckett is Lights Out

2007-10-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

While the Yankees were busy giving each other lap dances. Beckett was dominating the California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim San Abismo with some of the nastiest stuff he's thrown all year. Late in the game he was still in the high 90s and still painting the corners better than those mexican dudes who hang around outside of home depot. Ironic, because i think those same mexican dudes were in charge of the TBS production van too. what the hell was that broadcast all about? Jose Mota looked like some random fan they just pulled out of the stands to do commentary, and the game breaks were more akward than a fart in church. Those three guys have less rapport than two pickles and a jar of mayonaise.

How I met your mother

2007-10-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

Having trouble meeting rich single chicks who are vulnerable and slutty? Looking for that special someone to spend a night with, maybe two? Well, it's time I clue you in to hottest new place to meet the down and out girl of your dreams..... that's right it's Rehab. No I'm not talking about the pool scene at the Hard Rock in Vegas - this is the real thing baby. Britney's on her way to Crossroads in Antigua, Lindsay's already waiting for the man of her dreams (or the guy with access to really good coke) to come along, Tara Conner (aka I banged the Donald to keep my crown), Kate Moss, and Noelle Bush (ok so I don't find her hot but then again I don't find fat strippers hot either but they still make money so someone obviously does) have all joined in on the latest craze. Now that Joe Francis is in jail I'm thinking I should do a bunch of heroin, buy a video camera, check myself into rehab and make millions selling tapes of my new "Girls gone wild for drugs I can sneak into rehab" series. Of course, I can't probably sneak real coke into rehab but Lindsay's so hard up I could probably get her to snort baby powder and smoke cracked off pieces of soap while we re-enact scenes from her yet to be released sex tape. Which brings me to another point.....someone once told me that marijuana was a gateway drug....yeah a gateway into Lindsay's bed if you believe the latest rumors about her sleeping with some failed singer from some band I never heard of- which I do because someone put them in print making them true. But for now I think I'm going to hold out and stay clean until Jessica Alba falls off the deep end and needs someone to be her "sober buddy". I'm here for ya Jess! Call me...

Thai Food is Spicy

2007-10-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

SkyNews -
A Thai restaurant has been cordoned off by police after its extra-hot homemade chilli sauce was mistaken for a chemical outbreak. Streets were closed outside the Thai Cottage in London's Soho theatre and nightlife district on Monday night. The precautions followed a chemical alert in the venue's kitchen. "Somebody smelled what they thought was chemicals. So we went there, cordoned it off and assisted the fire brigade," said a police spokesman. . . Firefighters dressed in special suits smashed down the doors to discover the source of the smell - chef Chalemchai Tangjariyapoon's fiery signature nam prik pao chilli sauce.

Well thank God the authorities got to Mr. Tiadhoiegpoon's prik sauce before the customers did. anybody who eats Thai food knows that the real smells don't occur until after the food is eaten. This could have been a worse disaster than 9/11 . . .talk about a dirty bomb (badum-ching).

Was OJ on Steroids too?

2007-10-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

Apparently Barry Bonds' mistress Kimberly Bell did an interview with the New York Daily News to promote her recent appearance in Playboy in which she discusses Barry's ego and his . . .wait for it. . . steroid use!

"His body had grown thicker, his back was pocked with acne, his hair had fallen out and his testicles had shriveled when Bonds asked his former mistress if she thought anyone would suspect he was on the juice. "Do I look bloated?" Bonds wanted to know. "Does it look funny? Do you think this is obvious?" ...
Their sex life really slumped when Bonds started taking steroids... Bell told Playboy that Bonds suffered from sexual dysfunction, one side effect of steroid use. He tried Viagra several times but didn't like it because it affected his vision and stuffed up his nose...
He became a different person, controlling, threatening and finally violent. "It went from 'I want to know where you are at' to 'I'm gonna f------ kill you. I'm gonna cut your head off and leave you in a ditch.'"

So let me get this straight - He didn't like viagra because it stuffed up his nose, but he was okay with steroids, which shrunk his balls, made him impotent and gave him a head the size of Mr. Met? I haven't heard logic that bad since The Ninja tried to sneak into a McDonald's Playplace by claiming he was "young at heart".

Sexual Harassment Is Okay!

2007-10-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

NYPOST October 3, 2007 - - Despite yesterday's staggering defeat in federal court, despite Isiah Thomas' image taking a massive beating, despite costing James Dolan another $11.6 million, the Knicks owner has no plans of dismissing the Knicks president/coach any time soon, according to team sources

We've known for a long time that celebrities get to bend the rules, but this latest news takes the cake. I mean really, here's a guy who was found GUILTY by a federal jury of sexual harassment and it doesn't cost him a dime, or his job, because "Madison Square Garden committed harassment against the woman". Give me a freakin' break! It was Isiah who was trying to get into her pants while on the clock, not James Dolan, so why doesn't he foot the bill? What kind of message does it send when someone is found guilty of harassment and suffers no financial loss? It's almost like this sort of behavior is condoned....Hey Isiah, being the head coach of the Knicks is no excuse for slackin' on your pimpn'. Just send us the bill and continue running this organization into the ground like you best know how.

Men Are Stupid

2007-10-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

NYPOST September 30, 2007 -- A hard-partying Wall Street trader and his ex-girlfriend are in court over an allegedly broken $100,000 promise to keep on the straight and narrow. In recently filed court papers, Elisa Kwon accuses her former beau Greg Calvino, 45, of reneging on a pledge he had made to not "use drugs, stay out late, frequent strippers or prostitutes." The 30-something Kwon insists Calvino had vowed that if he ever did any of those things again, she could cash a $100,000 check he had made out to her. After Calvino's allegedly debauched boys' night out at a strip club in March 2005, that's just what Kwon did. But a fuming Calvino filed suit in Manhattan Supreme Court in late July to get his money back - plus interest, legal fees and damages - claiming the whole thing is an extortion attempt. Calvino claims Kwon had threatened to go to his bosses at RBC Capital Markets, where he was a stock trader at the time of the intemperate night out, and make up tales of drug use "with strippers and whores." He claims he wrote the $100,000 check to protect his career and reputation, and that she cashed it for no apparent reason.

Okay, what the hell was this guy thinking? 100k for something that he was probably going to do anyway? for that kind of money he could have had way more fun and way less guilt from his girlfriend. Not to mention, this guy is an investor. he should know better than that. . . I consulted The Book of Ass and it says that "under no circumstances is a man to promise his significant other money as compensation for philandering." instead, spend the 100k on 100, $1,000 hookers. or better yet, on 1,000, $100 dollar ones." if i were him i would just take the money and build one of those tents like Xerxes had in 300. Especially considering that with the fed cutting rates, leases on hunchbacks are cheaper than ever. . .

Pam Anderson Might Be Preggers

2007-10-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

Constantly a year behind the trend, rumors are now circulating that Pam Anderson might be pregnant again. And whats better, is that it might be with Rick Solomon. if you know that name, youre busted, because he was the guy in the original Paris Hilton sex tape. Okay Magazine Reports:

“She definitely looks like she's got a bit of a bump,” one source tells OK!. “And this wouldn't be the first time Pam has rushed off to get married because there's a baby coming.” The source is, of course, referring to the rumors that the Baywatch babe's surprise 2006 marriage to Kid Rock happened after she'd been impregnated. While these claims have been denied by the actress, they were bolstered by the fact that she filed for divorce from Kid only 11 days after miscarrying their unborn child. "

My God. Sex with Pam at this point must be like fucking a purse. she's taken more cock than a tile floor on "This old House".

It Begins . . .

2007-10-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Book of Ass, the blog where our opinions matter more than your facts ever could. Run and written by 3 philly transplants, we hope to bring you a daily dose of sports, humor and of course, sexy local women. check in daily for updates and pictures, and keep an eye out for our very first Filly of the week.